the long overdue writing prompts...*Rolls eyes*

Hey Y'all it's me again :)

It is a new month and I was incredibly unsuccessful at the writing challenge. While I most definitely didn't write something new every day, I did write a few and I  decided I would share them with you lovely people. Most of y'all really don't care, but one of my goals was to create more. I guess I'll share about my February one time. February zoomed by, I know it's the shortest month but it felt like it lasted 2 weeks. I got promoted at one job (YAY!), I feel like I'm permanently tired, the weather is slowly changing. Listing those things made me yawn (I'm a boring girl what can I say!). The highlight of last month was most likely my promotion. Ya girl is officially part of the management team at work! I won't be fake humble, I worked hard and it paid off (S/o to God & my momma!). Learning the numbers side of the retail world has been overwhelming\exciting all at once. I'm excited to see how far I can make it in this retail world. I am trying to be intentional in my new role, I am in the early stages still but I definitely am molding myself into a training manager. I'm sure I'll have tales to tell, and more blog posts about my job in the future. Just stay tuned.

 Now... on to the writing prompts.

Writing prompt day 17:

"I rather not know..."

I rather not know why it felt more comfortable to lie than to tell the truth. You were important to me, at one time I would have labeled you one of my closest friends. When the opportunity presented itself, you chose to lie. That burned more than I care to admit. In that moment everything I had felt disintegrated. My feelings deserved better, they deserved honesty. I deserved better. I rather not know why you let me see the real you. It doesn't matter at the end of the day, and that stings. If you let me tell it, I never wanted to see a day without your friendship. Now that we haven't been friends for almost two years, I feel liberated. Unrequited anything will drive you crazy. But at least it doesn't burn as much as the lies. 

Writing prompt day 16:

"Describe him....."

He is gentle, and unpredictable. He is brown and kind. He is goofy and soft. He is the one I stopped trying to dream up, because I didn't want to be disappointed. He is a dreamer, a creator, he is inspired. He is southern, and most definitely a gentleman. He is funny in the most annoying way possible. And if you ask him, he is only right 10% of the time. He is my homieloverfriend. He is just about my height, and I like it like that. He is almost always lost is his own head, and sometimes I got to silence the silly thoughts. He is my favourite person to talk to, and yet my least favourite goodbye. He is the reason airports are bittersweet. He is faithful, and loyal, and God willing my future head. He is the only one I want to father my children, and the only one I want to say I do to. He is mine, and I am his. 

Writing prompt day 12:

"special to me"

Do I have any prized possessions? Absolutely not. Anything material that I absolutely couldn't live without? Another resounding no. What is special to me? People are. I'm beyond thankful for the family that was given to me, and family I couldn't help but choose. Things are special enough you see. Almost anything with monetary value could be replaced. The people in my life could never be replaced, and that's why they are special to me. I've mourned the lives of some people that are special to me. My grandma, my great grandma, and my cousin junior come to mind. With loss comes gain my friends. The birth of my goddaughter 4 years ago added a special person into my life, as did the internet where I ended up meeting my boyfriend. So there you have it, I'm one of those people that places value on relationships over possessions. So if you're ever wondering what's special to me, it's probably you.

Writing prompt day:30

"How to love her..."

Here's how you love her: Love God first, love him more. Remind her that she is altogether lovely. Be intimate with her thoughts. See more than just her body. Tell her she is beautiful in her bonnet while you're in your durag. Look at her with and without makeup and stare in awe. Notice when her brows are on fleek, or when her eyelids are a little bit more golden. Talk NBA stats with her like she is a sports analyst. Tell her she would be your patronus. Love the ones she loves. Remember things like her birthday, and her best friends birthday. Compliment her fresh acrylic set. Watch animated movies with her. Kiss her forehead every now and then. Build with her, marry her, make her a mother. I'm not sure that's how to love her, but it is surely how to love me.

So there you have it folks, out of 28 days, I wrote 5 times (insert face palm emoji!). Please don't come for me, I'll do better y'all.

Writing Challenge Day #10: 02/10/17

First of all, LOL! I'm genuinely laughing at the fact that the picture says November, but my late self is doing it in February! And I'm 10 days late. Just forgive me y'all. I invite y'all to challenge yourself this month. I'm really trying to explore writing as an outlet, and one of my goals for myself this year is to create more.


Ironically enough I heal through writing. Since I was a teenager, I've been encouraged to journal my prayers, and take notes in church. Journaling became a regular part of my life for a season. I grew lazy, and inconsistent so it came to a complete halt a couple of years ago. I've always said I write for a point a reference. I write to remind myself that what I'm going through, I can get through by God's grace. I write to remember. I've written countless prayers that I've seen answered, and write when that happens too because I'm fickle and bound to forget. I've always said the only time I can write poetry is when my heart is heavy, and the feelings need to find permanence via my words. Poetry has been a healing mechanism for me. It's raw, it's expressive. It doesn't demand one format, it's free. When I've written pieces in the past, I don't allow people to read them. Writing is vulnerable, and I truly believe that's why it's been a medium I use for healing. When I pray, and I expose my inner most thoughts to my Heavenly Father I feel vulnerable. When my fingers pick up a pen and start to form words I feel vulnerable. I feel as if I'm the girl whose father was a glass maker. My soul is transparent, clear for all to see through if they felt inclined. So I pray, and I write - I write and I pray. That is how I heal.

LDR rants + ramblings (and etc)

Sit tight, and let's just see where this takes us!

Initially I thought this post would be a part of my blog series "being fat +", but the way today played out I just knew it would be its own separate post. As the image and title may have warned you, this post isn't going to be very structured but I do hope to convey my thoughts clearly. 

Where does one even start? How about stating the obvious? I am in a long distance relationship. I have been in one for just about 489 days... but who is counting;) Today has been one of the harder days in my relationship, because it was the first time I had to leave him at the airport and deal with the fact that he was flying back home. My boyfriend and I are fortunate enough to only live about 1600 flying km away from each other, and although we live in different time zones, there's only an hour time difference. This blog post can take so many turns, and I'm sure I'll blog about this again, but I just wanna freely express myself while my current Snapchat rant is still relevant :P

You guys aren't really dating. 

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this, I would be a rich lady. I don't know why people take it upon themselves to undermine the status of someone's relationship, but this has really got to stop. Two consenting "grown" people, that are telling you they are in a relationship are probably not pulling your leg. If you have ever been the friend that has made this statement impulsively, you most definitely have some apologizing to do my dear. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: proximity  isn't a relationships primary definer. I'm a firm believer in that, because I see it everyday. People love to tell you that you can't actually be with someone that you don't see often, when people that see each other all the time break up just as frequently. I've seen all sorts of relationships disintegrate before my eyes for a plethora of reasons. People tend to validate and give more thought to school yard relationships than to ones with the "LDR" label/stigma attached to them. This leads me to the other side of the rant... what is dating really? Some of you are so quick to dismiss something simply because it wouldn't work for you. Some people need to be with their significant others a lot, to validate their relationship AND THAT IS OKAY. But it's unfair to dismiss another situation just because it doesn't mirror your own. To make it personal, I had people genuinely not believe I had a boyfriend because I said I hadn't met him yet. People looked me in my adult face and said "it doesn't

count because we had never met in person- like excuse me? Contrary to what they believed, my boyfriend was and currently is very real. Just because he exists in a different time zone, does not illegitimize his humanity.

 But like CATFISH?!

So shoutout to Nev right! He definitely made things a heck of a lot easier for people to assure themselves that they aren't being catfished right? See the issue is, once you mention you're talking to/with someone you've never met online... almost everybody will mention catfish. Not everyone online is pretending to be somebody they're not. Shockingly enough their are plenty of regular degular people just like me, just tryna etch out a corner on this thing called the internet. Not every fat girl is google image searching models to send to her internet friends. And hello, it's 2016! Smartphones are both a blessing and a curse. Video calling is such a clutch tool we've been given by the tech geniuses. Video calling for me, has been such a blessing in my relationship. I obviously don't get to see my boyfriend in person often, but when I'm having super rough days I like knowing I can still see his face. People will argue that meeting someone online is super unconventional- and to that I say please show me a more conventional way to meet somebody in this day and age! Social media is more than just a medium teenagers and young adults use, it's truly a worldwide phenomena that is as user friendly as google. There is a space/platform for everyone! Whether you are looking for love directly (eharmony, match.com, POF), or you find it while minding your business - if you

ask me the internet is your best bet. Long gone are the days of writing down your phone number on a piece of scrap paper, and rushing home to wait for the phone call. A man can approach me at noon, and assume I'm feeling him because he found me on twitter and misconstrued a song lyric tweet  for my non existent feelings towards him. 

Are you sure it's love? 

You've never met them, be realistic? Does this one sound vaguely familiar? Were the people around you even bold enough to say it? BRUHHHH, let me just clear the air. Just because someone doesn't live close, and you don't get to see them often DOES NOT MEAN = NO COMMUNICATION WHATSOEVER! While, yes every situation/relationship is different - I think it's pretty safe to say, most people aren't just flippantly saying they love these people unless they really think they do. What you can do as a friend, is plain and simply accept that. Accept the fact that your friend loves someone you've never met, and situation depending might never meet . Be a support system vs a pain in the butt. No one likes repeating themselves. You don't need to over question your homie every time. If you're really struggling with the idea, ask them what they love about the person, ask them

when they knew it was love. But whatever you do, don't try and convince them that they couldn't possibly love the person. I loved my boyfriend long before we ever met last April. Nobody could tell me differently. 

When do I get to meet them?!

Uhhhhhh, how about 5 past never? It's always the people that had the most negative things to say that are trying to be the first to meet your significant other. Y'all really gotta miss me with this! Why the fake interest? Why do you wanna meet our mysterious long distance lovers? You've made it quite clear with your line of questioning that you don't support us....so why have you deluded yourself to believing you'll get to meet em? These are the real questions that need answers Sway! What some of y'all fail to realize is that when the window of opportunity presents itself, and you get to see them again... maybe for the first time in 8 months...the naysayers are the furthest thing from our minds. We wanna cherish the moments, and make lasting memories. You're feelings getting hurt because you didn't meet the man you've doubted from the jump, most definitely does not phase me. Dear friend, you are not entitled to his time. Most people in LDR's can attest to this. 

What's the point?

Says the one that has been dating the same person on and off for 7 years? That's was extremely shady,  but you catch my drift. Everyone is different. I personally wouldn't enter into a relationship because I was bored. The point is to grow together, and build together, and hopefully make something shake. Marriage is the point. There's just about 8 billion people on God's green earth, and to this day my mind is blown away at the fact that a man from Alabama would see value in pursuing me. Maybe for some they would brand my relationship as a serious one if a man from my church had pursued me, but I really don't care. What are the odds, that my boyfriend and I would find each other? Iunno, and I know you don't know. But the point is I love him. When I think about a family, it's him I see as the head. So the next time your line of questioning heads down a disrespectful path, I will politely leave you there. Because If I'm being completely honest, what's the point of answering you?

There are a billion more things I could say, but my allergies are acting up and this is borderline painful to write. Catch my heart in the midst of all these ramblings! A long distance relationship is just like any other. Stop treating the people in them like it's a fairy tale land. It's not. The reality is it's hard, but I'm committed. I only got to see my boyfriend in the flesh 3 times this year. I've had to cry at  the airports like it's my new found hobby. When I want to be held, I have to reminisce about when we shared a space. So, no it's not ideal. And no, it's not for everybody. But it is for me. So does absence really make the heart grow fonder? I believe in many ways it does. But communication is truly the root every great love needs. 

Being fat + "health care"

Okay, but how do I even begin to address this one for real, for real?


So as the title of this blog post states, I'm going to try and write about my personal experience when it comes to being fat, and the access I have to health care. I was born and raised in Canada. One of the first things people mention as a perk of being Canadian is "free" health care. The older I get the more I realize nothing in this world is free! I stopped being under my mothers work insurance once I finished high school. My point is- yes I had access to health care, and to some degree I still do. BUT, and this is a huge BUT I don't feel comfortable seeking medical attention. I can sit here, and recall incident after incident where it would have been in my best interest to seek some sort of medical attention and I decided against it.
I have been fat for as long as I could remember. I was a very active child , contrary to popular belief. I was on school teams, I did extra curricular activities that were physical, I had swimming lessons, ballet lessons. My mom made sure I was involved, and that even if I was chubby, I would still be active. So that may debunk the myth that all fat children are lazy, it might not... but I'm just putting my truth out there. To move on from this picture of an active childhood I tried to paint, I'll address my teenage years. I was evidently far less active once I had more control on the things I got to take part in. That meant, no school teams, far less physical activity on the weekends, and so forth. I wasn't lazy per se, but I wasn't super active either. I'm going to highlight one of the first incidents in my life that made me extremely apprehensive of healthcare professionals aka doctors & specialists. When I was 16, I started experiencing excruciating back pain.  Initially I didn't think much of it because I was used to painful menstral cycles and thought to myself "this too shall pass". Oh contraire mon Freire! The pain didn't pass, it was constant, and became unbearable. Eventually I asked my mom to make a doctors appointment for me, because my body was informing me that something was up. My doctor didn't have anything concrete to tell me, he thought it might be gaulstones, but stated I was far too young for that to be a possibility. He ordered me to to get some ultrasounds, that ultimately confirmed his initial suspicions. My doctor recommended me to a pediatrician, because I was so young he was under the impression that she would give me the best medical counsel (he was wrong.). My doctor had discussed what my ultrasound revealed with my mother and I, prior to me meeting this pediatrician.  During our first consultation, before even examining my file the pediatrician assumed I was there for some weight management program, and started speaking to me about a nutritionist. Even at the young age of 16, I was not shocked that she assumed my weight was what brought me to her office that day. I kindly told her, I didn't need a nutritionist, and that I was there for her medical expertise pertaining my gaulstones. At that point, she glanced at my file and said " You only have 1, and surgery isn't necessary.", I was really confused because my doctor had told me I had more than 1, and that's probably why I was experiencing the pain I was. She (the pediatrician) discussed my weight for 10 more minutes, and suggested I eat less fried food, and my pain should go away. I left her office, discouraged, hurt, angry, and still in pain. A week later, I went back to my doctor and asked for a surgeon's recommendation to remove the Gaulstones. I told him not to send me back to incompetent doctors. Fast forward to my surgery, they actually ended up removing my entire Gaul Bladder because it was badly infected.
As a fat person I shouldn't have to beg for equal medical assessments and that is how I feel. Regardless of what I go into those offices with, my weight is always the topic of dicussion. Someone they deem as physically fit/healthy can go into a doctors office, and explain what is wrong without them being told "it might be the way you're eating."  I don't know if the health care professionals know how degrading and embarrassing it is. Just treat fat people like they are patients. That's all we want. I want to be able to sit there, and get a routine check up without being fat shamed. I'm 25, and I honestly haven't had a routine check up in 5 years. Doctors give me anxiety, they make me cringe, they make me cry. It's a sad reality that I live in a country like Canada, a developed nation, where I have access to relatively free healthcare.... and I don't take advantage of that. Any time I've gone to the doctors in the past 5 years, it's because I've been forced. I fainted, and fell down a short flight of stairs... and the ambulance had to be called in order for me to go the hospital. The whole time I was there I was thinking "This doctor is going to say I fell because of my weight.", I ended up spraining both my ankles so I'm glad my mother and best friend forced me to go... but STILL.
ALL IM SAYING IS THIS, if you are a doctor, or a nurse, or some kind of healthcare professional: PLEASE TREAT FAT PATIENTS WITH SOME DECENCY. YES WE GET IT, WE ARE FAT- BUT WE ALSO MIGHT JUST HAVE A COMMON COLD & THAT IS OKAY.

Am I too afraid to commit?

As I lay here at almost 5am, I seriously wonder if the above question is true. I plugged in my old cellphone a couple of hours ago to look through some of the notes. I stumbled upon some pieces I had written years ago, and decided to share an allegory with my boyfriend. I actually freaked out when I sent it to him. Why? Why am I like this? Why is sharing my "work" so difficult for me? On one hand it's quite obvious , I'm private. Sharing my thoughts, and my feelings is a scary thing for me. I don't let people in, so when I'm sharing my thoughts it feels like everybody has front row access to me - and I don't like it. Dare I say, on the other hand it's deeper than that. I'm afraid. Point, blank, period. I'm the joker, I'm the care free joyful Christian, I'm the one that is always smiling. My writing is the opposite. For a good chunk of my adulthood, I've painted this picture of myself with one brush. I've used short strokes to make a complete picture. I'm afraid that if I let people read my pieces, they'll be confused, disappointed, and maybe even a little uneasy. I am not ONLY who I've presented myself to be. There's much more beneath the surface. And that brings me to my initial question- am I too afraid to commit...to blogging? Yes, one hundred times over. I'm afraid to be too vulnerable, I'm afraid to get too attached to blogging as an outlet, I'm afraid to be me. But Ima do it * Kita voice*! And I'm doing it for me. Join me, if you so please. Challenge yourself today. Do what you told yourself you didn't bag the guts to do, in 6 months I'm sure we'll be proud of ourselves.