Being fat + Occupying space (Online &IRL)

So you mad huh? Stay mad.

A double post?! Who would have thought I had it in me. I just needed y'all to know I haven't forgotten about this blog series. The crazy thing is, the post about "Being fat + health care" to date has the most views on this blog. Shoutout to you guys for being the real MVP'S!!!

Today's post is even more relatable and brought to you by years of having the nerve to occupy space while simultaneously staying fat.

Let me start by saying, I'm never more aware of the fact that I am fat than when I am on an airplane! I don't know about you guys, but when I board a plane I suddenly become hyper aware of my size. It's the narrow aisles that taunt me, and the frustrated glares from passengers that tell me far more than their mouths will ever admit "I hope she isn't sitting next to me". People are really upset with fat people because it inconveniences them. Let me just put it out there one time, I'm not too pleased to be sitting beside you either ma'am/sir BUT the way my bank account is set up I can't afford to buy 2 seats, so I suck it up and make tiresome small talk - because you are a human being and deserve to be treated as such. Flying can be an embarrassing thing for some people, so please for the love of humanity stop treating us like elephants and hippos, stop asking to switch your seat ( Scratch that, I can't tell you what to do, just please be mindful of the way you make your request.), and please keep the arm rest up - we put it up for a reason. I just wanna empower a couple of people in this moment, so you can scroll through if it is too uncomfortable to read, of if you feel compelled to let me know how wrong I am.

Dear big person,

You don't need to be apologetic when flying. Asking for a seatbelt extender does not make you less of a human being. Being comfortable while flying is not just a smaller person's luxury. Travel as often as you budget allows! Don't read too much into the looks on people's faces as you're making your way to your seat. If you need to use the washroom, please do so! As long as you're using your manners, I promise the fellow passengers won't hate you. If you're still feeling down, just think about all the adventures that await you once you get off that plane. I promise you have absolutely nothing to apologise for.

Love,

Nakita

Dare I go on? I dare :) Let us get down to an even more basic method of transportation. I don't know what transit is like in your city, but I live in a pretty big city :Toronto. I am a TTC commuter. I rely on the buses, the subway, and streetcars to get me to and fro daily. Let me set the scene: 6pm rush hour traffic, buses are full as are the streetcars. People are commuting home from work/classes. No seats left, only standing room. People are packed on the buses like sardines, lo and behold there is one seat available. You guessed it, it is beside me- a fat person. You probably also guessed that the seat remained empty... because obviously sitting beside me is the worst thing to do after a long day. You may have read that, and assumed  I was overreacting or reading too much into a non existent situation. I assure you I was not. That has happened to me far too many for it to be a coincidence.  I'm telling you, I've seen a lady wobble on a moving bus, and almost fall twice instead of just sitting beside me. I've literally made myself uncomfortable trying to squeeze my large self onto a seat so that people would feel comfortable enough to sit beside me. The struggle is ongoing for fat people, we want to occupy space the same way the rest of the world does without psychoanalyzing every interaction of lack thereof.

What does IRL mean? For those of you who were wondering it means "In real life". I just covered those, but believe me when I say it goes beyond transportation. Living everyday in a fat body and taking up space should be seen as revolutionary, because people are out here making it real hard for no reason. Fat people don't need to be ogled, we don't need to be pointed at, we don't need to be the subject of your unauthorized photo shoot either.   

Occupying space online should be easier, and less stressful but oddly enough that isn't always the case. Your experience online really depends on the internet circles you frequent, and your assumed popularity. A site like Facebook is a great space to find positive community. There are many groups on there for almost anything you could think of. I am a part of a GTA clothing swap/sale group - and I've found it to be quite uplifting and encouraging. Everybody online isn't out to troll you, but that doesn't mean you should let your guard down. Social media sites such as: Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram are tad bit trickier to navigate- ESPECIALLY if you have some sort of a following. Not only are your thoughts publicized but so are you pictures. People aren't always nice, and if your profiles are open you're ultimately giving people a free for all. Hashtags are a universal way people find trending information, some people peruse certain hashtags just to be cruel and disrespectful. I'll say this, occupying space online has given me thicker skin. I've been accused of glorifying obesity (by posting pictures of myself in a bikini), I've been fat shamed, I've been accused of not actually having struggles because I shop at forever 21. The list goes on, and it gets more ridiculous. Personally one of the scariest things have been the extent at which some people have gone to reduce me to some BBW (Big beautiful Woman) fetish. I sought community online years ago because there were things that were uncomfortable to address to people IRL.  I sought community online looking for representation, looking for people that could relate to my struggles. And I found it, but it came accompanied with many ugly things. I've had to think of clever but polite retorts for the negative people. I've had to get rid of apps to deal with stalkers and those with stalker like tendencies. I've had to defend my personhood & womanhood many times over. All that to say I wouldn't trade it for the world. I've been far more blessed than cursed and for that I am grateful. I've compiled some tips for my fellow fatties that are apprehensive about occupying space online.

• Not everyone is a troll - I promise!
• You are allowed to say no.
• Block/Delete options are there for your protection
• Reporting people works wonders
• If you're being bullied in a chat/forum - reach out to the admin
• Making your profile private is not a sign of weakness
• Protect your space/energy
• Anonymity isn't cowardly (Unless you're sending hateful messages)
• Be free & have fun

There you have it folks, a glimpse at what it's like to occupy space while being fat. I hope and pray your eyes have been opened to our day-to-day realities. Share this with your big friend, I'd love to hear other peoples' stories. Our experiences shape us, but I pray we won't let them break us. Be blessed y'all.

<3

the long overdue writing prompts...*Rolls eyes*

Hey Y'all it's me again :)

It is a new month and I was incredibly unsuccessful at the writing challenge. While I most definitely didn't write something new every day, I did write a few and I  decided I would share them with you lovely people. Most of y'all really don't care, but one of my goals was to create more. I guess I'll share about my February one time. February zoomed by, I know it's the shortest month but it felt like it lasted 2 weeks. I got promoted at one job (YAY!), I feel like I'm permanently tired, the weather is slowly changing. Listing those things made me yawn (I'm a boring girl what can I say!). The highlight of last month was most likely my promotion. Ya girl is officially part of the management team at work! I won't be fake humble, I worked hard and it paid off (S/o to God & my momma!). Learning the numbers side of the retail world has been overwhelming\exciting all at once. I'm excited to see how far I can make it in this retail world. I am trying to be intentional in my new role, I am in the early stages still but I definitely am molding myself into a training manager. I'm sure I'll have tales to tell, and more blog posts about my job in the future. Just stay tuned.

 Now... on to the writing prompts.

Writing prompt day 17:

"I rather not know..."

I rather not know why it felt more comfortable to lie than to tell the truth. You were important to me, at one time I would have labeled you one of my closest friends. When the opportunity presented itself, you chose to lie. That burned more than I care to admit. In that moment everything I had felt disintegrated. My feelings deserved better, they deserved honesty. I deserved better. I rather not know why you let me see the real you. It doesn't matter at the end of the day, and that stings. If you let me tell it, I never wanted to see a day without your friendship. Now that we haven't been friends for almost two years, I feel liberated. Unrequited anything will drive you crazy. But at least it doesn't burn as much as the lies. 

Writing prompt day 16:

"Describe him....."

He is gentle, and unpredictable. He is brown and kind. He is goofy and soft. He is the one I stopped trying to dream up, because I didn't want to be disappointed. He is a dreamer, a creator, he is inspired. He is southern, and most definitely a gentleman. He is funny in the most annoying way possible. And if you ask him, he is only right 10% of the time. He is my homieloverfriend. He is just about my height, and I like it like that. He is almost always lost is his own head, and sometimes I got to silence the silly thoughts. He is my favourite person to talk to, and yet my least favourite goodbye. He is the reason airports are bittersweet. He is faithful, and loyal, and God willing my future head. He is the only one I want to father my children, and the only one I want to say I do to. He is mine, and I am his. 

Writing prompt day 12:

"special to me"

Do I have any prized possessions? Absolutely not. Anything material that I absolutely couldn't live without? Another resounding no. What is special to me? People are. I'm beyond thankful for the family that was given to me, and family I couldn't help but choose. Things are special enough you see. Almost anything with monetary value could be replaced. The people in my life could never be replaced, and that's why they are special to me. I've mourned the lives of some people that are special to me. My grandma, my great grandma, and my cousin junior come to mind. With loss comes gain my friends. The birth of my goddaughter 4 years ago added a special person into my life, as did the internet where I ended up meeting my boyfriend. So there you have it, I'm one of those people that places value on relationships over possessions. So if you're ever wondering what's special to me, it's probably you.

Writing prompt day:30

"How to love her..."

Here's how you love her: Love God first, love him more. Remind her that she is altogether lovely. Be intimate with her thoughts. See more than just her body. Tell her she is beautiful in her bonnet while you're in your durag. Look at her with and without makeup and stare in awe. Notice when her brows are on fleek, or when her eyelids are a little bit more golden. Talk NBA stats with her like she is a sports analyst. Tell her she would be your patronus. Love the ones she loves. Remember things like her birthday, and her best friends birthday. Compliment her fresh acrylic set. Watch animated movies with her. Kiss her forehead every now and then. Build with her, marry her, make her a mother. I'm not sure that's how to love her, but it is surely how to love me.

So there you have it folks, out of 28 days, I wrote 5 times (insert face palm emoji!). Please don't come for me, I'll do better y'all.

Happy Valentine's Day... and no it's not what you think.

Honour exemplified  on Valentine's Day...

For some this is a day they loathe. For others it's a day they eagerly await for all year. For me, it is neither. February 14th is just another day, a Tuesday this year. Maybe I'll treat me and my momma to toonie Tuesday at KFC, maybe not. This Valentine's Day took an unexpected turn when my mom came in my room and proclaimed "you must have a secret admirer."  I genuinely responded with laughter as she handed me a single red rose, and a box of Godiva chocolates. I knew immediately that is was my brother James that was behind it.

Let me give you a little back story about my brother James y'all. He is not at all my biological brother for starters. He is someone I've known for years now, that I served alongside for 1 summer at a Christian camp. He is also married to an amazing woman, that I know and have the utmost respect for. James is 2 years older than me (If I'm not mistaken). The summer we worked together, we weren't exactly the best of friends, but by the end of the summer we had developed a meaningful friendship. He is my brother in Christ, but also quite literally in every sense of the word.
When I think of the past 6 months, I've noticed a shift in James' presence in my life. James has been an intentional friend/brother. He remembers things that people have said in passing. He has been very consistent in planning group events. In November he actually hosted a party for a few of the single/unwed women in his life, with the sole intention of honouring them, and encouraging them. He had planned an escape room event, that I unfortunately couldn't make it to because I was at work - and he surprised me at work with my favourite salt & pepper chicken wings! That's the kind a man he has grown to be. So today when my mother barged in my room believing I had some strange admirer roaming around Scarborough - I couldn't help but feel blown away by the lengths my brother would go to honour us. When I say "us", I do indeed mean a group of us. I can think of countless ways he has gone out of his way for the fly gyals, and many others.

I'm at a stage in my life where I've had to reevaluate the titles I've loosely given many undeserving people in my life. I remember crying on the phone with my boyfriend, wondering if I had any actual brothers that would honour me as a sister. And I'm pleased to know that the Lord reminded me of three, and James is most definitely one of them.
So to you James A,
My brother from another mother, I say thank you. Thank you for the brotherly love you show me even when I am undeserving. Thank you for including me in plans, even though my work schedule is unpredictable. Thank you for your kindness, and your consideration. Thank you for showing us all that this commercialized holiday is not just about romantic love. Thank you for honouring me  at all times. I love you, I appreciate you, and I hope to always have you in my corner.
Your sister,
Nakita


Now you know what they say, behind every great man is a great woman! So I want to take a moment to honour James' equally amazing and sacrificial wife Nana!

So to you Nana,

Thank you a hundred times over! You are such an inspiration to me and many others. Thank you for not changing too much once you got married! You and James are some of my favourite married people to be around. Thank you for being nurturing and a spiritual mother to many. Thank you for writing "For Black Girls". Thank you for being great, and showing other black women that they too can be great. Thank you for speaking on your blackness, and embracing it! It's been pivotal in my growth as a young black woman. Thank you for the role you've played in your husband honouring the women around him. You guys as a unit, encourage me and remind me that God can be clearly glorified through the union he created. And finally thank you for believing in my writing, and for thinking I'm stylish. Believe me when I say, it's the little things I'll never forget.
Love,
Nakita



So for any of you that wanted more information about Nana's book "For
Black girls" check out her website!!



Www.forblackgirlz.com

Writing Challenge Day #10: 02/10/17

First of all, LOL! I'm genuinely laughing at the fact that the picture says November, but my late self is doing it in February! And I'm 10 days late. Just forgive me y'all. I invite y'all to challenge yourself this month. I'm really trying to explore writing as an outlet, and one of my goals for myself this year is to create more.


Ironically enough I heal through writing. Since I was a teenager, I've been encouraged to journal my prayers, and take notes in church. Journaling became a regular part of my life for a season. I grew lazy, and inconsistent so it came to a complete halt a couple of years ago. I've always said I write for a point a reference. I write to remind myself that what I'm going through, I can get through by God's grace. I write to remember. I've written countless prayers that I've seen answered, and write when that happens too because I'm fickle and bound to forget. I've always said the only time I can write poetry is when my heart is heavy, and the feelings need to find permanence via my words. Poetry has been a healing mechanism for me. It's raw, it's expressive. It doesn't demand one format, it's free. When I've written pieces in the past, I don't allow people to read them. Writing is vulnerable, and I truly believe that's why it's been a medium I use for healing. When I pray, and I expose my inner most thoughts to my Heavenly Father I feel vulnerable. When my fingers pick up a pen and start to form words I feel vulnerable. I feel as if I'm the girl whose father was a glass maker. My soul is transparent, clear for all to see through if they felt inclined. So I pray, and I write - I write and I pray. That is how I heal.

To be SBW.....

What's "SBW" you may be wondering? Saved, Black, and Woke. This is a question I've been meaning to ask the masses, because I believe it would be helpful to many, both young and old in the faith. Most of you, know what I mean when I say black. My skin is a dark brown hue, my parents are dark brown. I identify as a black woman. What do I mean by saved & woke? Let me break it down a little bit. To be saved: to be a born again Christian. A believer of the bible, beyond that an understanding that we are all in need a of saviour and his name is Yeshua (Jesus Christ!). So when I reference the faith, or  being saved that is what I'm referring to. To be woke: Being Woke means being aware.. Knowing whats going on in the community. 

   Now add all three together and what do you get? You get someone that is SBW aka me! How do we cope with the things happening around us? 

At the forefront of my identity is the fact that I am saved. It changes my worldview, and how I choose to navigate my time here on earth. As a Christian woman, I believe the bible teaches us that God is a God of justice. To really understand that, you have to believe that sin is as bad as the bible makes it seem. The saved part of my identity reminds me to pray. And I'm not talking about casual, lighthearted prayers. I mean prayers that will move the heart of God, prayers birthed in anguish. I don't foolishly dismiss and ignore the things I see happening around me. I try to engage in conversations, and see how I could remind people (specifically young black people) that our hope has a name, and that precious name is Jesus. 

To be black & woke seem relatively synonymous these days. If you're active on popular forms of social media, you better believe you will get "dragged" if you "sleeping". If you lack basic awareness about what is going on in the world you're living in, the internet folks don't take to well to that. A lot of POC (people of colour) are simply tired of having to teach nonPOC  about oppression, and how to recognize their privilege, and how microaggressions are indeed offensive. To be black and ignore the conversations that are prevalent today, you might find yourself on the wrong side of history again. Nobody wants to be the grandma who is in a textbook protesting at a black lives matter event proudly holding up her "all lives matter" poster. 

Catch my heart in this y'all.  I'm not here to talk politics, or to stir up divisive rhetoric amongst my Christian brothers and sisters. I'm here to ask the questions, that many are afraid to ask. I'm here because even though I am Canadian what happens south of the border effects me. I'm here writing this blog post because I work with young black teenagers that think Christians disagree with the simple statement that black lives matter. I'm here because I feel awkward discussing race relations with people that refuse to acknowledge white privilege. I'm here because I'm saved, black, and woke. I'm here because sometimes I have to scroll past another news story about another black life that was taken...because sometimes it feels like I've cried all the tears and my heart couldn't  survive another crack. I'm here for many reasons, my question is why are you here? Are you also SBW? Have you asked yourselves these questions? Only to end up with them unanswered? Discussions like these on online communities don't have to end poorly. 

If you're willing to talk, so am I. Be blessed y'all. 

"Fat girl aesthetic"????

Some of you are looking at the title of this blog post, like 'Girl,bye!',BUT if you are a fat girl you know exactly what I'm talking about. We live in a time where the word aesthetic is thrown around quite loosely (Shoutout to tumblr.com I guess). What does it even mean? According to urbandictionary.com : 

Relating to something that looks good or pleasing to the eye.

or
Something that tumblr weirdo's say way too often and use it for every damn thing under the sun. A generally annoying word.

I agree with the first definition, and just threw the 2nd one in for giggles. This blog post is basically going to attack this idea of one singular fat girl aesthetic. While people that wear straight sizes (0-10), are granted the liberty of dressing however they please and still fitting a particular aesthetic. Plus sized people, are not granted that same luxury. You can be a size 6, and rocker/gothic or a size 4 and bohemian chic- and it's all sunshine and rainbows. Your size when you're straight sized doesn't affect your style. I AGREE! So why isn't this the case for all people? There is an unspoken expectation that fat people, women specifically MUST look a certain way. There most certainly is a "fat girl aesthetic", and if I'm being honest most of us cannot afford it. 

Let me rewind a little bit for those of you who are completely oblivious to the struggle we (plus sized people) call shopping. Most mall retailers did not carry a plus size section 10 years ago. Let that sink in. The average size woman in America wears a size 12-14, that is considered plus sized. 10 years ago, the average woman would have struggled to find retailers in her local mall that carried her size. To say the fashion industry has treated fat people like an unwanted stepchild, would be a gross understatement. How are the most visible parts of your society, ignored by an entire industry? In the words of someone's jamaican aunty "Dat nuh mek it". In comes the internet in all it's glory, blogging became an outlet for many plus size women, it then turned to vlogging. Instagram became super relevant, and now we have snapchat. My point is plus sized women are influential, and the internet became the gift that never stops giving. Online retailers started popping up left,right, and centre. When the average shopper isn't finding clothes for their body, and their favourite youtuber/blogger is talking about this new site that has a plus size section...you do the math. What we ended up having was a domino effect. The big bad fashion industry just need a little competition, they need to see that all these fat people they've ignored would actually pay for cute/fashionable clothes if they were given the chance. Initially online retailers were able to charge an arm and a leg, because they knew it was slim pickings. Once the industry noticed the plus sized people, they started loosing up their grip on the extra inches of fabric. More stores starting carrying their straight sizes up to an XL aka a 12, some even started including XXL aka 14. The miraculous happened, brick and mortar stores that carried EXCLUSIVELY plus sizes started to be a thing.

Fast forward to this present day. Social media is the driving force of ALL things trendy, if you disagree... I don't know which rock you're living under. As I previously mentioned, retailers are doing better. It's 2017, and I can give you a list of stores that carry a beautiful range of sizes. BUT, and of course there is a BUT. Fat people are still expected to have this put together aesthetic. For that I in part blame the industry, and in part blame the faces that we've made poppin'. Here is why in my humble opinion the blame is 2-fold. Firstly, they only advertised version of fat people we see is one that is together & super trendy. You won't see a fat person, that is edgy and gothic advertised because they want to pigeon hole us. They pigeon hole us, because foolishly they believe we'll only buy the version of ourselves that they've branded as acceptable. Secondly, these figures/faces that are well known in the "body positivity movement" are always put together. Mainly because they are celebrities in their own right. If i'm on tumblr, or instagram searching through hashtags such as : #effyourbeautystandards, #honormycurves, #bodypositivity, #psootd I would find extremely familiar faces. What I think fat women fail to realize, and when I say fat women I mean us regular degular ones...these women we look up to,admire,idolize are sponsored. These brands that we are supporting, and throwing our hard earned coin at are literally contacting these women, and sending them merchandise and PAYING(i ain't mad child, believe me!) them to show it to the world. Some of these women have contracts with these companies, they are in partnerships! There you have it my friends, the driving force behind this singular "fat girl aesthetic". It's the media we love and crave, and the people we aspire to be- they reinforce it in our heads subconsciously everyday. We scroll, and we see them done up, looking absolutely glamorous...and we sigh and digress.

I write this to empower y'all, but to empower myself first. BUN this narrative that says I must look 100% done up every time I leave my house. I'm not less than when I'm having an off day. I'm not ugly when my uniform consists of jeans and a t shirt three days in a row. Today, I looked grungy, and I felt spectacular. There was nothing special about my outfit, but I appreciated the fact that I went to work in clothes that I felt good in. I ignored the apprehension within, and rocked the heck out of my distressed boyfriend jeans, and t shirt. If you are big, or have felt "too big" to pull off the look/trend... I say go for it. Your body isn't offensive, you're not too wide to wear a horizontal stripe. You're not too fat to try a crop top. Wear what you please, create looks and leave people inspired by your authenticity. It's 2017, new year, same ole me.

That picture is from my tumblr, and I thought it was fitting with this blog post. Share it if you want, but don't forget to send em here to the blog. Also pictured me feeling myself, even if I don't fit the fat girl aesthetic.

Thanksgiving in Mobile, Christmas in Toronto

What's good 2017? I'm here with my 2nd official post, and it feels good. Today well, it's currently 3:09 am, so that counts as day right? Anywho, I bring you a post reflecting on two major milestones in my long distance relationship. I've been dating my boyfriend since the end of August 2015 (Woot! We made it past a year y'all!), maybe one day I'll give you guys the full 411 on how we met, and all that jazz. What you need to know right about now, is that he lives in Alabama, and I live in Canada. This past year it was difficult to say the least,to actually be in the same place at the same time. Mobile is an 18 hour drive away, and around a 5 hour flight with a layover. I'm not a clingy person by any means, but wanting to spend time with my boyfriend more than a handful of times in a year is understandable.
I don't know how things work in your households, or with your families but with mine holiday times were always family time. I've seen many older cousins, and younger ones to boot bring their significant others around during the holidays. I've silently wondered when it would be my turn. I've had dreams about the day my family would meet my serious boyfriend, and the day he would be a part of family traditions. I won't lie, all of those dreams seemed pointless and in vain. I started doubting if I would ever get a turn, lo and behold I did. So as a poem I once heard said, "Doubt your doubts". I grew up in a relatively large family. My mom has 12 siblings, no need to double take you read it right the 1st time. She is the 2nd youngest of 13. Surprisingly all of them had at least one child, which naturally means I have a lot of cousins. As I was saying before, holiday time has always been family time. The major ones include: Thanksgiving, Easter, and Christmas. My fondest childhood memories include all of us at church, and then enjoying a family meal at grandma's house. When I say I've been waiting for one special breed of man, to come and join the craziness, I am not lying. My older cousins are a tough group to crack, the younger ones are hilarious. Most of the older cousins have their own children now, so that just adds to the love and craziness. All this to say, I was anxiously awaiting the time in my relationship when I would get to have these experiences I apparently coveted. Let's rewind a bit to the end of September. My boyfriend was supposed to schedule time off work, and come and visit me here in Canada. It didn't happen. So the visit got pushed to October, and if you are a Canadian reader you know what that means...Thanksgiving together, and that would be our first official holiday together. Don't squeal and gasp just yet, it didn't happen. The plan then became that I would go down south for American thanksgiving at the end of November. Thankfully, that did indeed happen. There you have it, I celebrated my first american thanksgiving in Mobile,Al. The added bonus was that my best friend accompanied me on that trip. I loved spending the time with my boyfriend and his family. I loved seeing the way his family did thanksgiving, and eating all the delicious food.

After thanksgiving comes Christmas right? I had already prepared myself for the worst, so all the drama regarding him getting here didn't even come as a total surprise.I will spare all you uninterested people the details. What matters is, he came y'all! I got to spend Christmas with my baby, and it was magical. He FINALLY got to meet my parents, my cousins, my aunts, some friends, my goddaughter. He got to participate in some of our lame traditions (opening 1 gift on Christmas Eve, that gift being pj's that you wear that night), he got to eat Christmas dinner with my family. My heart was so full for the 5 days I got to spend with him. 

 Maybe this will be an annual thing, God willing it might even turn into our own personal tradition. Making new memories, and creating new traditions with my boyfriend makes my smile a little wider. This thanksgiving I was a little more thankful, and this Christmas I was a lot more thankful. Contrary  to popular belief, it's not just because I got to spend them with him. It's because by the grace of God I was able to be a part of his family, and he officially became a new member of mine.

 I apologize if this blog post was mostly pictures, but like I'm not actually sorry I'm just super Canadian and I can't help but apologize. For some of you maybe this gave you an honest look at some of the struggles of a LDR. I truly hope that is the case. I don't live to validate my relationship to the naysayers, but if there is someone out there that is contemplating entering into one... I hope I could give you hope. Not in the hyper egotistical way, and not because I want you to see pictures of us and proclaim "#goals". Simply because there are plenty of ways to be in a relationship, and distance doesn't have to be a deal-breaker if you think it's worth it. Maybe I could be your internet "big/lil sis" that offers you a new perspective, maybe not. Well friends that is all she wrote, I got work in a couple of hours...and ya girl has to work a double. Pray for me, and while you're at it pray for my boyfriend too.

New year.... Same ole me.

Happy new year to all, and to all a good night! Here I am, trying my hardest to be consistent. I am anti resolution, but pro goals. So here I am, making a public declaration of my personal goals. 

In 2017, I truly hope to accomplish the things on this list. For some of these things I would love accountability, and for others only God himself would know if I did em. Y'all will see if I'm more consistent on here, and by y'all I mean my 1 follower and my faithful friends (the real MVPs). Hopefully YouTube and Instagram will reap the benefits of me creating more content. Let me do some shameless self promotion here... Follow: @theflygyals on Instagram & subscribe to our YouTube channel. While you're on the following train, you can follow the Instagram account that was created to co-exist with this blog @fabulouslykita ! Mark my words, I'm going to join the gym up the road by the end of this month, it will genuinely give me a reason to purchase good quality active wear :)  As I write this so many other goals are flooding my brain right now. I'm going to make a short list, in hopes that I'll be able to scratch things off the list as the year goes by. 

2017 Goals:

• Get my G2 

• Learn how to fill in eyebrows

• Read at least one new book a month

• Pay all my bills on time

• Get a credit card

• Try a new recipe once a month

 I hope and pray 2017 is good to us all, and if it isn't God is still good and worthy to be praised. May you make the most of the time you're given here on Earth. Live this year fully, without regrets, and without fear. I believe the year will be what we make it, and I for one am down to make it memorable. Be blessed!

LDR rants + ramblings (and etc)

Sit tight, and let's just see where this takes us!

Initially I thought this post would be a part of my blog series "being fat +", but the way today played out I just knew it would be its own separate post. As the image and title may have warned you, this post isn't going to be very structured but I do hope to convey my thoughts clearly. 

Where does one even start? How about stating the obvious? I am in a long distance relationship. I have been in one for just about 489 days... but who is counting;) Today has been one of the harder days in my relationship, because it was the first time I had to leave him at the airport and deal with the fact that he was flying back home. My boyfriend and I are fortunate enough to only live about 1600 flying km away from each other, and although we live in different time zones, there's only an hour time difference. This blog post can take so many turns, and I'm sure I'll blog about this again, but I just wanna freely express myself while my current Snapchat rant is still relevant :P

You guys aren't really dating. 

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard this, I would be a rich lady. I don't know why people take it upon themselves to undermine the status of someone's relationship, but this has really got to stop. Two consenting "grown" people, that are telling you they are in a relationship are probably not pulling your leg. If you have ever been the friend that has made this statement impulsively, you most definitely have some apologizing to do my dear. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: proximity  isn't a relationships primary definer. I'm a firm believer in that, because I see it everyday. People love to tell you that you can't actually be with someone that you don't see often, when people that see each other all the time break up just as frequently. I've seen all sorts of relationships disintegrate before my eyes for a plethora of reasons. People tend to validate and give more thought to school yard relationships than to ones with the "LDR" label/stigma attached to them. This leads me to the other side of the rant... what is dating really? Some of you are so quick to dismiss something simply because it wouldn't work for you. Some people need to be with their significant others a lot, to validate their relationship AND THAT IS OKAY. But it's unfair to dismiss another situation just because it doesn't mirror your own. To make it personal, I had people genuinely not believe I had a boyfriend because I said I hadn't met him yet. People looked me in my adult face and said "it doesn't

count because we had never met in person- like excuse me? Contrary to what they believed, my boyfriend was and currently is very real. Just because he exists in a different time zone, does not illegitimize his humanity.

 But like CATFISH?!

So shoutout to Nev right! He definitely made things a heck of a lot easier for people to assure themselves that they aren't being catfished right? See the issue is, once you mention you're talking to/with someone you've never met online... almost everybody will mention catfish. Not everyone online is pretending to be somebody they're not. Shockingly enough their are plenty of regular degular people just like me, just tryna etch out a corner on this thing called the internet. Not every fat girl is google image searching models to send to her internet friends. And hello, it's 2016! Smartphones are both a blessing and a curse. Video calling is such a clutch tool we've been given by the tech geniuses. Video calling for me, has been such a blessing in my relationship. I obviously don't get to see my boyfriend in person often, but when I'm having super rough days I like knowing I can still see his face. People will argue that meeting someone online is super unconventional- and to that I say please show me a more conventional way to meet somebody in this day and age! Social media is more than just a medium teenagers and young adults use, it's truly a worldwide phenomena that is as user friendly as google. There is a space/platform for everyone! Whether you are looking for love directly (eharmony, match.com, POF), or you find it while minding your business - if you

ask me the internet is your best bet. Long gone are the days of writing down your phone number on a piece of scrap paper, and rushing home to wait for the phone call. A man can approach me at noon, and assume I'm feeling him because he found me on twitter and misconstrued a song lyric tweet  for my non existent feelings towards him. 

Are you sure it's love? 

You've never met them, be realistic? Does this one sound vaguely familiar? Were the people around you even bold enough to say it? BRUHHHH, let me just clear the air. Just because someone doesn't live close, and you don't get to see them often DOES NOT MEAN = NO COMMUNICATION WHATSOEVER! While, yes every situation/relationship is different - I think it's pretty safe to say, most people aren't just flippantly saying they love these people unless they really think they do. What you can do as a friend, is plain and simply accept that. Accept the fact that your friend loves someone you've never met, and situation depending might never meet . Be a support system vs a pain in the butt. No one likes repeating themselves. You don't need to over question your homie every time. If you're really struggling with the idea, ask them what they love about the person, ask them

when they knew it was love. But whatever you do, don't try and convince them that they couldn't possibly love the person. I loved my boyfriend long before we ever met last April. Nobody could tell me differently. 

When do I get to meet them?!

Uhhhhhh, how about 5 past never? It's always the people that had the most negative things to say that are trying to be the first to meet your significant other. Y'all really gotta miss me with this! Why the fake interest? Why do you wanna meet our mysterious long distance lovers? You've made it quite clear with your line of questioning that you don't support us....so why have you deluded yourself to believing you'll get to meet em? These are the real questions that need answers Sway! What some of y'all fail to realize is that when the window of opportunity presents itself, and you get to see them again... maybe for the first time in 8 months...the naysayers are the furthest thing from our minds. We wanna cherish the moments, and make lasting memories. You're feelings getting hurt because you didn't meet the man you've doubted from the jump, most definitely does not phase me. Dear friend, you are not entitled to his time. Most people in LDR's can attest to this. 

What's the point?

Says the one that has been dating the same person on and off for 7 years? That's was extremely shady,  but you catch my drift. Everyone is different. I personally wouldn't enter into a relationship because I was bored. The point is to grow together, and build together, and hopefully make something shake. Marriage is the point. There's just about 8 billion people on God's green earth, and to this day my mind is blown away at the fact that a man from Alabama would see value in pursuing me. Maybe for some they would brand my relationship as a serious one if a man from my church had pursued me, but I really don't care. What are the odds, that my boyfriend and I would find each other? Iunno, and I know you don't know. But the point is I love him. When I think about a family, it's him I see as the head. So the next time your line of questioning heads down a disrespectful path, I will politely leave you there. Because If I'm being completely honest, what's the point of answering you?

There are a billion more things I could say, but my allergies are acting up and this is borderline painful to write. Catch my heart in the midst of all these ramblings! A long distance relationship is just like any other. Stop treating the people in them like it's a fairy tale land. It's not. The reality is it's hard, but I'm committed. I only got to see my boyfriend in the flesh 3 times this year. I've had to cry at  the airports like it's my new found hobby. When I want to be held, I have to reminisce about when we shared a space. So, no it's not ideal. And no, it's not for everybody. But it is for me. So does absence really make the heart grow fonder? I believe in many ways it does. But communication is truly the root every great love needs. 

#BlackGirlMagic

Y'all, I've been itching to make a post, and as the good Lord would have it, today is the day Ima just write my little heart away. Let me start by saying, I'm not into witchcraft, and evil juju. I am a Christian. When I reference black girl magic, I'm speaking more about this indescribable "thing" that unifies most black girls/women. Call it energy, or call it a vibe - whatever it is, it's a beautiful thing. 

If you frequent social media platforms such as Twitter & Tumblr, you've probably seen the hashtag #BlackGirlMagic somewhere. If not, quit hiding under a rock and get with the program! Much like fashion, there are things that will always recycle in life, but there's also things that will be considered timeless. I'm going to go out on a limb, and boldly declare that black girl magic is timeless. Today showed me that in a way I will forever be grateful for. Today was a hectic day for me. I was running around with my mother doing some last minute Christmas shopping, and our holiday grocery shopping. We don't own a car, so our travels were done on public transportation. If any of you know me personally, you know I am my mother's daughter. I say that because we not only look alike, but we are very similar. As we got on our second bus for the day to head to Fairview mall, a middle aged black woman sat beside my mom. It took all of 3 minutes before they started up a conversation. In a span of 5 minutes they found several commanalities. I excused myself to the back of the bus, once I seen a seat free up. I sat down with an unobstructed view, and just gazed at my mother and her new found friend. Chopping it up, like they were old friends that were catching up. I was bewildered, I was witnessing black girl magic, and it was special. 

This might sound silly, but without saying it I just assumed the magic faded with age. I thought black girl magic was exclusive to the trendy 20 somethings, that have natural hair and keep up with their tumblr accounts (word to Gambino!). It was beautiful, to watch and overhear their encounter. They bonded over the fact that they will always call their adult children their babies, and also the fact that they don't trust anybody's cooking- ESPECIALLY IN THE WORKPLACE. Today I looked at my momma, and genuinely thought "she's magical!" . I don't know if that paints a childish picture of who I am, but I can seriously say it was so encouraging to me. Growing up and getting old comes with a lot of responsibilities. I'm glad that I will be able to adult while simultaneously still being a magical black woman. I pray the children, and people that I have the privilege to meet get to experience a little bit of the magic in me. 

As mind blowing as it was to see my mother in this new light, I realized our magic transcends age restrictions. My 3 year old God daughter is the tiniest embodiment of black girl magic. She has spunk, and personality. People are literally drawn to her, and she doesn't even know it! 

It's in our hair, our vibe, our eyes. It's just a part of our make up. I pray every black girl reading this continues to shine, and continues to share her magic with the world.

Being fat + "health care"

Okay, but how do I even begin to address this one for real, for real?


So as the title of this blog post states, I'm going to try and write about my personal experience when it comes to being fat, and the access I have to health care. I was born and raised in Canada. One of the first things people mention as a perk of being Canadian is "free" health care. The older I get the more I realize nothing in this world is free! I stopped being under my mothers work insurance once I finished high school. My point is- yes I had access to health care, and to some degree I still do. BUT, and this is a huge BUT I don't feel comfortable seeking medical attention. I can sit here, and recall incident after incident where it would have been in my best interest to seek some sort of medical attention and I decided against it.
I have been fat for as long as I could remember. I was a very active child , contrary to popular belief. I was on school teams, I did extra curricular activities that were physical, I had swimming lessons, ballet lessons. My mom made sure I was involved, and that even if I was chubby, I would still be active. So that may debunk the myth that all fat children are lazy, it might not... but I'm just putting my truth out there. To move on from this picture of an active childhood I tried to paint, I'll address my teenage years. I was evidently far less active once I had more control on the things I got to take part in. That meant, no school teams, far less physical activity on the weekends, and so forth. I wasn't lazy per se, but I wasn't super active either. I'm going to highlight one of the first incidents in my life that made me extremely apprehensive of healthcare professionals aka doctors & specialists. When I was 16, I started experiencing excruciating back pain.  Initially I didn't think much of it because I was used to painful menstral cycles and thought to myself "this too shall pass". Oh contraire mon Freire! The pain didn't pass, it was constant, and became unbearable. Eventually I asked my mom to make a doctors appointment for me, because my body was informing me that something was up. My doctor didn't have anything concrete to tell me, he thought it might be gaulstones, but stated I was far too young for that to be a possibility. He ordered me to to get some ultrasounds, that ultimately confirmed his initial suspicions. My doctor recommended me to a pediatrician, because I was so young he was under the impression that she would give me the best medical counsel (he was wrong.). My doctor had discussed what my ultrasound revealed with my mother and I, prior to me meeting this pediatrician.  During our first consultation, before even examining my file the pediatrician assumed I was there for some weight management program, and started speaking to me about a nutritionist. Even at the young age of 16, I was not shocked that she assumed my weight was what brought me to her office that day. I kindly told her, I didn't need a nutritionist, and that I was there for her medical expertise pertaining my gaulstones. At that point, she glanced at my file and said " You only have 1, and surgery isn't necessary.", I was really confused because my doctor had told me I had more than 1, and that's probably why I was experiencing the pain I was. She (the pediatrician) discussed my weight for 10 more minutes, and suggested I eat less fried food, and my pain should go away. I left her office, discouraged, hurt, angry, and still in pain. A week later, I went back to my doctor and asked for a surgeon's recommendation to remove the Gaulstones. I told him not to send me back to incompetent doctors. Fast forward to my surgery, they actually ended up removing my entire Gaul Bladder because it was badly infected.
As a fat person I shouldn't have to beg for equal medical assessments and that is how I feel. Regardless of what I go into those offices with, my weight is always the topic of dicussion. Someone they deem as physically fit/healthy can go into a doctors office, and explain what is wrong without them being told "it might be the way you're eating."  I don't know if the health care professionals know how degrading and embarrassing it is. Just treat fat people like they are patients. That's all we want. I want to be able to sit there, and get a routine check up without being fat shamed. I'm 25, and I honestly haven't had a routine check up in 5 years. Doctors give me anxiety, they make me cringe, they make me cry. It's a sad reality that I live in a country like Canada, a developed nation, where I have access to relatively free healthcare.... and I don't take advantage of that. Any time I've gone to the doctors in the past 5 years, it's because I've been forced. I fainted, and fell down a short flight of stairs... and the ambulance had to be called in order for me to go the hospital. The whole time I was there I was thinking "This doctor is going to say I fell because of my weight.", I ended up spraining both my ankles so I'm glad my mother and best friend forced me to go... but STILL.
ALL IM SAYING IS THIS, if you are a doctor, or a nurse, or some kind of healthcare professional: PLEASE TREAT FAT PATIENTS WITH SOME DECENCY. YES WE GET IT, WE ARE FAT- BUT WE ALSO MIGHT JUST HAVE A COMMON COLD & THAT IS OKAY.

Being fat +

Is a blog series too soon?

I've been thinking, and I've concluded the best way to stay committed and consistent is to launch a series. So here you have it, I'll be launching a series on my blog at some point this week. My thought process went a little like this : What are you Nakita? To that question I answered with several bullet points. I am Black, I am a Christian, I am fat, I am fashionable (depends on who you're asking :P), and so forth. I was talking to my friend about how I haven't had a routine check up in over 4 years, and it made me realize I have so many feelings, and I see some things in skewed ways because of my fatness. In light of all that, I decided to blog about some topics from the perspective of me, a fat person. Honestly since creating this blog, I didn't want to limit it to being a "plus sized safe space", but I do think it's a great place to start. So some of the topics I've brainstormed myself will be rolling out in weeks to follow. I will most likely start with "Being fat + accessible health care" , but like most things that is subject to change. I invite you on this journey with me :) I have absolutely no following haha, but I will be sharing this with some people in my inner circle,and on my tumblr. I hope you guys decide to journey with me.

Wedding fever is a little too real...

I've had the privilege of attending 6 weddings this year (only 5 are pictured.), and it's safe to say my wedding fever is at an all time high. I still have one more wedding to attend before 2017 hits, which is wild. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely overjoyed for all the lovely couples - but there is a longing deep inside for it to be my day. What almost all the couples have told me is that it is hard to be married, so it's not even that I have a lofty view of marriage. I believe a big part of this longing stems from the fact that I am indeed in a long distance relationship. As many challenges as the distance presents I believe we both try our best to make it simple. We talk about the future constantly because we are building in these stages. I pray I would elevate the covenant in my marriage over my actual wedding day. As I long to be married, I remind myself to enjoy the stage I'm at - and remind myself that we won't make it there if we rush the process.